Love The One You're With

So today’s post is a love letter, and a story of how profound of an impact people can have on our lives, if we choose to open our minds and our hearts.

My current Caregiver A, told me a few weeks ago that she would besoon moving to Florida. There was a part of me that intuitively knew this was coming, so I absorbed the news calmly. I knew that just as how my intuition had found her in a few short days, that this would happen again. That there are good, kind people in this world who are willing to share their love and help me.

I can go on and talk about how by meditating and praying and trusting, that within twenty four hours I had attracted not one, but two! caregivers that literally happen to live in the apartment right above me, Say what?? And I will eventually share because it’s fucking awesome as hell.

But right now all I want to do is write about A.  A came into my life in January of 2016. I was coming off of a rough year of being hospitalized and then Lily my caregiver and friend of five years, told me she would now only be seeing me one day a week instead of five. I was terrified. I was grieving the loss of Lily in my life everyday, I was grieving my body, and I was unknowingly entering a time of my life of severe ptsd and depression. On top of it the caregiver Lily had hired for me, because I was too overwhelmed to do it myself, never showed. The day before she was supposed to officially start on her own, I texted Lily and said “I just have this gut feelingCC isn't coming tomorrow. I had a bad feeling about her from the beginning but had ignored it. And sure enough, without ever calling, CC never showed up. She left me me with no care, furious and betrayed. So I gathered myself up, put on my big girl pants, and within a week all on my own, I found A.

The process from the beginning was unlike how it had ever been before. I had sent out an ad to many people on and A responded “Sure, let’s meet.” To be honest, I was not very optimistic, but I agreed. She came to my place and I immediately felt a connection and just a feeling of 'this is right.' I went out on a limb and since I had no help asked her to come back the next day and basically just start. No training, no talking with Lily, I just showed her how to wrap and care for me as we went. 

And it was so natural. She was clearly very intelligent, and caring, funny and interesting. I remember that first day she wiped powder off of my shirt and said “We can’t have you going out like that!”  It’sthe little things that are actually the big things in life, and in that moment I recognized a soul that cared about and for people.

Our relationship wasn't linear however, and she has been one of my biggest teachers. I was so used to being practically enmeshed with Lily, and here was a new person who sometimes- we would talk for hours, and some days we would barely say much to each other. She didn't know what I was going through mentally and emotionally, and she didn't push. She once told me “I just want to be here in the background and make everything seamless for you so you are free and have the energy to do your thing, write, whatever you want to do. Again. Wow.

She was with me unknowingly through one of the hardest, yet biggest growth years of my life. She allowed the space for me to heal and find myself again.

She is one of the smartest people I've ever met who challenged me, enlightened me, and made my sometimes small suffocating world seem a little bit bigger. 

She is beautiful and funny and tough as fucking nails. 

She poured love into every task big to small, from emptying my trash to itching my hives for as long as I needed.

We pushed each other. We were sometimes very different and yet so very much the same.

I couldn't have gotten through election season without her. Period.

We talked about love and humanity and kindness.

She taught me to be proud of being a woman, and how invincible and complex and amazing and unique we all are.

We talked about faith and how we both believe that love can and always will change everything for the better.

We started off guarded and bit by bit let each other in. 

The first time I met her my intuition said this was the one even though I wasn't sure why.  She taught me I could trust others again and take them for their word…and most importantly she led me to believe in trusting myself again. 

She is in love and about to embark on her next adventure. I am so proud and honored to witness what is about to come, and the new lives she is about to reach and share her love with.

I am going to miss her so very much.. and I hope we can always stay apart of each other’s lives. No matter what I will be forever changed, and I am so very very grateful.